Coming clean: how to tell your partner about your sexual fantasies

 Open conversations with your partner are an important part of a relationship, but this process is not always easy. Let’s find out how to learn how to voice your desires so that they are realized.

Sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner is actually fun, but for many couples, it’s a fairly rare topic of conversation. No matter how trusting your relationship is, talking about what you like in bed can be quite stressful for you. Family psychologist Olga Romaniv will tell us how to avoid this.

Absolutely everyone has sexual fantasies — it’s perfectly healthy, but despite this, many still find it difficult to open up to their partners. Respecting and discussing each other’s desires as an element of a harmonious sex life is very important. However, when talking, it is important to remember and keep in mind a few important points.

Sharing fantasies can have unpleasant consequences. Tact is essential. It is important not to impose anything, but only to delicately invite to share your desires with you. It is best to start with leading questions and invite your partner to tell you about your desires, and then contribute your own. Fantasies about people you both know are best not voiced for obvious reasons, just keep the meaning of the fantasy and leave the object anonymous. Otherwise, keep in mind that what seems pleasant to you may seem terrible to your partner. It’s important to watch your partner’s reactions to catch all the signals that will tell you whether or not to pursue the topic. In addition, clarity and willingness to answer questions is important. You must understand exactly what you want.

It is also important what exactly you are going to talk about. You need to understand how extreme things you want to try and how it relates to your usual sexual temperament. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes. Is there a chance that your fantasies will shock him because you are usually much more modest in bed? If the answer is yes, then perhaps you should start by voicing something more compromising, after which it will be more appropriate to discuss and try what you really want. Going down this road together and gradually is much better than rushing in headlong.

Of course, it is also important to have an environment that is conducive to this conversation. A crowded place, rush, nervous excitement, recent quarrel — such factors can prevent your partner to hear and understand you. Choose a moment when you will be the two of you, in comfort, safety and tranquility. To voice your fantasies during preliminary caresses or even during sex — sometimes very to the point, but often it takes the partner by surprise so much that the continuation is out of the question, so it is worth the risk only if there are positive prerequisites.

Also be prepared that talking about sexual fantasies may reveal some other problems in your relationship. It is not uncommon for couples therapy to start with this and last for many months. If you encounter judgment from your partner, harsh rejection, sanctimony, or other inappropriate reactions, you will have to discuss other issues that will determine the future of your relationship

After you have shared a sexual fantasy with your partner, it may feel like the next thing to do is to realize it. However, you shouldn’t be in a hurry. Coming up with a script, buying props, and deciding where, when, and how to do it together is often as much fun as the process itself, so in some cases it may be worth staying a little longer at this stage.